Personal Wall
The wall. Which one? Perhaps a brilliant musical album. Perhaps a poem by Frost. Perhaps the memories of cement in Berlin. While we usually think of a wall only insofar as it exists as a physical barrier, walls are often able to transcend this simplistic definition. Walls become barriers in our minds and in our relationships; however abstract these barriers may be, they are no less real than their physically tangible counterparts. And so it is for my personal wall.
I grew up as an only child and spent the majority of my time alone. While this gave me ample time to develop needless (but generally entertaining) hobbies, it is surprisingly difficult to make friends when one's social circle contains only oneself. This was fine at the time, but as years wore on, conversations with myself become dreadfully dull and redundant. And yet, my awkward passes at social engagement and repartee were often met with the derisive (or at least blank) stares from my peers. Ah, yes, woe to my younger self indeed. Fortunately, after several years of forced interaction and taking multiple jobs in the service industry, awkward gestures gradually metamorphosis into conversation. Perhaps I never did hit the level of charisma, but one can only do so much.
While I adore my friends and thoroughly enjoy conversation with my peers, I always feel a strange discordance between my social persona and my individual self. Perhaps this stems from my original reliance upon excessive 'alone time'; or perhaps I am simply exaggerating a more or less universal sentiment. I have consistently struggled between developing strong relationships and fighting to remain overtly independent. And so I find a wall within my own personality. Separating these two aspects of my self, and allowing me to engage in drastically different behavior depending upon which side of the wall is hosting me on that given day. I extend this idea further, bridging it I suppose, to a second wall. This wall lies between the self and the other and is a wall that has always been of utmost interest to me. How can we come to understand another individual, when interactions are riddled with misinterpretations and diverging intentions? Can we ever truly overcome this wall that separates us--or are we limited to simply gazing through a window of objectification at the life on the other side.
I grew up as an only child and spent the majority of my time alone. While this gave me ample time to develop needless (but generally entertaining) hobbies, it is surprisingly difficult to make friends when one's social circle contains only oneself. This was fine at the time, but as years wore on, conversations with myself become dreadfully dull and redundant. And yet, my awkward passes at social engagement and repartee were often met with the derisive (or at least blank) stares from my peers. Ah, yes, woe to my younger self indeed. Fortunately, after several years of forced interaction and taking multiple jobs in the service industry, awkward gestures gradually metamorphosis into conversation. Perhaps I never did hit the level of charisma, but one can only do so much.
While I adore my friends and thoroughly enjoy conversation with my peers, I always feel a strange discordance between my social persona and my individual self. Perhaps this stems from my original reliance upon excessive 'alone time'; or perhaps I am simply exaggerating a more or less universal sentiment. I have consistently struggled between developing strong relationships and fighting to remain overtly independent. And so I find a wall within my own personality. Separating these two aspects of my self, and allowing me to engage in drastically different behavior depending upon which side of the wall is hosting me on that given day. I extend this idea further, bridging it I suppose, to a second wall. This wall lies between the self and the other and is a wall that has always been of utmost interest to me. How can we come to understand another individual, when interactions are riddled with misinterpretations and diverging intentions? Can we ever truly overcome this wall that separates us--or are we limited to simply gazing through a window of objectification at the life on the other side.
posted by Catherine at
2:21 PM
1 Comments:
I struggle in conversations as well; I'm terrible at small talk, but can go on for eternity on a few philosophical topics. It's hard for me to get to know people. There's a large barrier between starting a conversation and digging into meaningful ones. I often only feel comfortable speaking to those I already know, but I rarely know how I got to know my friends in the first place. It's definitely a chicken and the egg problem.
I don't think we can come to understand each other until we let go of preconceptions, of prejudice, and understand ourselves and our limits as human beings, as creatures often driven by emotion rather than logic and thought. As I started to accept and understand my emotions rather than fight them, I've come to understand others as well. I believe that forgiveness can go a long way in helping us understand each other.
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